A topic that comes up many times in the therapy space is boundaries.
It seems many of us have heard of these, can grasp the concept but may find it difficult to either implement boundaries for themselves or maybe even find it difficult to listen, respect or understand someone else’s boundaries.
There are many types of boundaries:
Material - money or possessions. Someone taking something of yours without asking. Breaking or loosing something that has been borrowed. Choosing what you lend to whom and what terms these are under. E.g lending someone money with the agreement of paying back within a week.
Sexual - unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, leering, or sexual comments (wolf whistles or unwanted comments)
Time - demanding too much of another's time.
Physical - Someone touches you when you don't want them to, or when they invade your personal space (for example, mum rummaging through your bedroom).
Emotional - someone criticises, belittles, or invalidates another person's feelings (not listening or believing what is said)
Intellectual - someone dismisses or belittles another person's thoughts or ideas (being told you can’t do something)
Verbal - listening and respecting when someone doesn’t like the way in which you may address or speak to them (‘I don’t like it when you call me that’).
Work - this is around protecting your time and energy within your own limits in order for you to perform at your best.
Spiritual - being within your right to believe in what you want and worship as you wish e.g. saying a prayer before meals even if others at the table don’t share that belief.
It might be the case at some point that your boundaries may clash with someone else’s, in this case, it is important that the ‘I statement’ is used for us to help explain what is going on for us in a non confrontational way. ‘I felt disrespected when my things are taken without my permission’. This way the other person won’t feel so attacked, will be able to hear what is being said easier, and a resolution can be devised. Remember, no-one can argue about how you feel, the same as no-one else can make us feel anything, we are responsibility for our own feelings and behaviours!
It is important that we feel able, safe and comfortable to put boundaries in place within all relationships and that they are respected. Holding yourself accountable for your needs and taking responsibility for ourselves in order to build healthy relationships with partners, family and friends.
If someone is having difficulty upholding boundaries or respecting someones boundaries it might be that there is underlaying, unprocessed triggers going on which might require some further attention with the aid of therapy.
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